Friday, July 28, 2017

When I started writing this blog post, it was 9.05 in the morning and I had just gotten out of bed without making it, and put on our robot vacuum, Ashitaka.  But first I wasted a bunch of time snuggled under the covers checking my phone and playing with Toothless, the cat.  I have to decide what to do today.  It's Friday.  And, I haven't been out of the house in 5 days.

My first big decision today is what to do about what I am doing.  In 37 days it'll be Stéphane and my anniversary, in 57 days two of my good friends are getting married in Vancouver, in 95 days it's Halloween, in 134 days it's Stephane's office party, and in 150 days it'll be Christmas.  One small step in the right direction could make all the difference when it comes to tackling all those events.  Staying the same...won't lead anywhere.  That's what's been going on for the last 3 months.  Absolutely nothing.  (With the exception of a fabulous trip to I'm not really complaining, but I am a little...kinda.)

Will today be different?  That is the question.  I have decided to not waste the day plopped in front of a TV screen waiting for my partner in crime to come home from work.  Today I will do something that makes me happy.  I will do something that will contribute to my future happiness and well-being.

I guess before I do anything I should write some of my goals down.  Classic Suzie, plan everything.  To say that I want to lose weight is an understatement...I want to be where I was in 2013 right about now...2014 would be even better, and where I was in 2015 was in a significantly better place than where I was in 2016...but 2016 wasn't bad at WTF is up with 2017?  Well, I have fallen off the wagon.  There's only so much I can do to hide this weight gain before I just start hiding myself.  Oh wait.  I haven't been outside in days...guess I am in hiding.

So, Goal #1 - do something, anything, healthy.
And Goal #2 -  be grateful that you did that something/anything.  

Now the last thing I want to do at this moment is weigh myself, because that will cause me to break down knowing all the damage that I have done to this incredible body over the last few months/years.  But, the pain I suffered yesterday from simply walking around the house doing a few simple tasks was somewhat of a wake-up call.  If I don't do something about this weight fast, I'm going to live in chronic pain brought on by junk food and inactivity, and that sucks more than being a little bit hungry from time to time and getting sweaty every day at some point. 

I can do this...again.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Elephant relativism.

I have always had very good memory.  I remember random things that happened in high school a million years ago, and I'll also remember what everyone was wearing when it happened.  Stored in the deepest recesses of my mind are completely obscure facts about ancient mythology from my years of studying Classics at Concordia University, modern cooking techniques learned by watching far too much Food Network, horticulture for balconies and window boxes via my mother, and strangely almost all of the lyrics to arbitrary songs from the 1990s.  That's how my memory an elephant, I remember things.

So why, oh why, did I forget what it was like to be fat?

Since the crunchy, poppy kneeness of June 2016, I have been eating and drinking myself into my former state of being.  And I seem to have lost all recollection of how difficult it was to be overweight, and dare I admit this, obese.

The last time I was fairly regular with my workouts (other than going to taekwondo class) was in the autumn and winter of 2015.  While visiting family in Montréal, I made arrangements to work out with friends, find a gym, find a yoga studio, and try and counteract the damage I was doing by eating out and drinking daily - and may I add, that I cheated a few times when it came to food on my trip, but I was pretty good about choosing healthy options.  I was something like 170 pounds, and though I was annoyed that my weight had gone up...I remained confident and happy. 

When I got back from Montréal, I started working a lot more regularly, and so I made sure to hit the gym before my shifts.  At that point, I had joined the "5AM Club," and I managed to do at least an hour of cardio before getting gussied up to work the floor as a painter of faces.  After Christmas break, I was off to Hawaii - I had gained a further 10 pounds, but it wasn't the end of the world, and there would be walking, exploring, hiking, swimming etc.  Not to worry.  Still content with life, I was in Hawaii, and there were all kinds of bodies out and about.  Not at all concerned about my "beach body," I was just thrilled to hit the poke bars and body surf at Magic Sands daily.  Good times.

1 definition of relativism

  1. a theory that knowledge is relative to the limited nature of the mind and the conditions of knowing    
So what is elephant relativism?!  The further away I am from a state of being, the less I remember what it was like to live that way.  Which can be blissful or incredibly difficult.  The problem (and elephant part) is, recently my memory has been jogged...the first time I have jogged in 2017, in fact.
Things I forgot about being obese:
  • Always waking up in the wet spot (from night sweats, get your mind out of the gutter)
  • Shaving various parts of your body involves rigorous effort and training in contortion
  • Sometimes towels don't fit
  • Getting yourself into a bra is an intricate mix of origami and optimism (and you still get double boob, side boob, under boob)
  • Dress code is always back, with a generous helping of loose and leggings
  • Being overly effected by anxiety and depression  
  • Low self esteem and a lack of confidence
  • The cycle of binge eating
  • Hopelessness
Wow, that turned pretty serious pretty fast.  But, right now, it's how I feel.  I am a hopeless, binge eating 250 pound woman who is again suffering from anxiety and depression which is leading to a lack of confidence and self esteem.  I have 3 outfits, none of which I like.  I would like to take off an article of clothing without being marked by it, and I would also like to sweat at appropriate times.  Don't worry, I also remember other things... 

Things I remember about being fit:
  • Hitting the gym in the morning before I had a chance to think about it or change my mind, and then sometimes doubling up at night
  • Getting an endorphin rush part way into my workout and really enjoying the process 
  • Constantly being sweaty (whether at the gym or on the dance floor)
  • Drinking insane amounts of water and being satisfied by smaller portions or healthy foods
  • There will always be boob origami (when they are smaller they still need to be folded into shape), it's a process
  • Being able to express myself through my outfits
  • Endless energy to do things
  • Feeling that there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome
  • Realisation of goals
  • Positivity
It's pretty obvious which state of being is my preferred truth.  Though not necessarily mutually exclusive whilst experiencing the in-between, the latter is a much better option for which to strive.  Going forward, I will mindfully go through the process of transforming myself so as not to lose track of where I came from and where I want to go.  Ideally, be more like an elephant in mind, to be less like one in body.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Forget about hiding the evidence...

I can find it.  Always.

In fact, last night, I ate and drank the evidence.  In my attempt to rid my cupboards and fridge of all things unhealthy, I ended up consuming them.  Luckily, there wasn't that much.  A few chippies, a bit of soda pop, and some veggies that had an unmeasured spray of olive oil on them.  Not the end of the world.  Well, and that bottle of wine that was on the shelf.

What was that my Croatian conscience was saying about not wasting my calories on wine?  Well, I assure you...they were not wasted.  They were delicious. 

And at one point he was looking in my fridge and commenting on how I only had ingredients in in there and no "real" food food.  So there.  I think they cancel each other out.

Monday, January 23, 2017

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

Hey, remember when I had that epiphany on Epiphany?  Well, I put off doing anything about my confessed weight about that?!  

You know, the "I'll do something about that tomorrow," type of thing?  Guys, it's been tomorrow 17 times since I wrote that post, and I still haven't gotten my fat ass to the gym, or revamped my eating habits.  Well, that changes today.  

Why am I so bloody scared?!  I am having anxiety attacks about changing my lifestyle back to what it was 4 years ago, I am scared of giving up what I think is making me happy but is actually contributing to my weight gain and subsequently my depression.

AND to top that off, my Croatian conscience has gone back to hurting my feelings...and not even in Croatian!

"You've put on quite a bit of weight.  We need to turn that around.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I'm not going to sugar coat things.  It serves no one.  Neither does enabling you.

So have a good cry and get back to tracking your food, go to the gym, and don't waste your calories on wine." 

*Crosses arms in front of chest and pouts*  I hate it when he's right.

Today I took a step towards my future.  I decided to reset all my various fitness and weight loss goals on all of my many fitness and weight loss apps and websites.  And you know that's a bit deal, because I had to try and go back through all the days that I did track all the shit that I did that was unhealthy and delete the evidence.  Suzie means business.

SIDE NOTE:  Damn you:  Lose It,, and Fitbit for making it impossible for me to reset all my information and make it look like I just recently decided to take control of my health.  There's nothing more infuriating than being unable to wipe the slate clean, to make vanish the past that wasn't so perfect.  But, I guess that's just like real life.  It's hard to say that you are still committed to a healthy lifestyle when you have visibly gained a tonne of weight.  I'm not going to go around and say that I have been really good with my eating, while also having kept on top of my exercising, because it's kind of obvious that that has not been the case.  The jig is up.

Today, I write down my intentions.  Today I prep my meals for the week.  Today I organise my schedule.   AND, Tomorrow I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

Friday, January 06, 2017

e·piph·a·ny 2017




noun: Epiphany; noun: epiphany; plural noun: epiphanies

the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1–12).

the festival commemorating the Epiphany on January 6.

a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being.

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

First of all, I am not religious. Not in the epiphany sense of religion January 6th has always meant "take your Christmas tree down, the party is over." In actuality, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away it was the day when the 3 wise men arrived to give Jesus his belated birthday gifts. In Shakespeare's era, Twelfth Night was a time of bawdy pursuits, merry-making, hard drinking, and lusty encounters - well, that one sounds much more fun, though presents are good too. For me, and this year, it is going to have to mean a sudden revelation or insight. 

I need to get back to my healthy lifestyle thing. That thing I started 4 years ago. Thanks to Facebook I get updates as to what I was doing on this day in the past. Last year I was hiking in Volcano National Park on the Big Island of Hawaii, 2 years ago it was 6 weeks after my knee surgery and I was able to get myself into a nice cross-legged position after having trained at the gym, 3 years ago I was a puffy-eyed ninja-in-training who went to the gym in the morning despite having put my beloved cat, Cobweb, to sleep in the wee hours of the that day. I was a trooper, a yogini, an explorer...and today, I'm sitting on the couch writing this and wishing that I were anywhere but where I am right now.

I am 100 pounds away from where I want to the last 7 months I have pretty much given up on being healthy and happy. After injuring myself (again) in June, I stopped going to the gym regularly. I was scared to restart taekwondo because of what had happened yet again in class. My willpower dwindled, and I pretty much gave up on myself. Depression followed and I turned to food once more for comfort - I pretty much ate myself silly from September to January. I wish everything were as easy as getting fat!

Today, this is my revelation: I got fat again.

My insight on the situation: At the very least, I know how to undo it.

Time to wise up.

Now someone give me some prezzies and we can call it a day.